A Much Needed Tribute

I’m a little confused, a little scared, and a little lost. But I’ve found an idol, I’ve been inspired. I need to live out loud while I can.

Here’s to you, the talented Marilyn Monroe:

“We should all start to live before we get too old. Fear is stupid. So are regrets.”
“I don’t want to make money, I just want to be wonderful.”
“It’s all make believe, isn’t it?”
“You never know what life is like, until you have lived it.”                                           “Keep smiling, because life is a beautiful thing and there’s so much to smile about.”                                                                                                                                            “Looking back, I guess I used to play-act all the time. For one thing, it meant I could live in a more interesting world than the ones around me. ”
“Creativity has got to start with humanity and when you’re a human being, you feel, you suffer.”                                                                                                                                “I love to do the things the censors won’t pass.”

 

All I can say?

Just keep dreaming.

Beautiful

Growing up, I read the magazines. I watched the commercials. I stared in awe at the “flawless” bodies and faces of the celebrities. I was just another face in the crowd; just another kid who dreamt of being adored. Looking back at who I was, you could say I was brainwashed. I thought perfect could be reached by dieting, buying designer labels, and applying numerous layers of makeup. All I wanted was to be  what our society considered beautiful.

You could say I’ve matured, or you could say I’m going crazy. But somewhere in between the lines of feeling misunderstood and confused, I learned what beauty was. It isn’t only skin-deep. Beauty runs from your heart, through your veins, while it either encompasses you or abandons you. Beauty from within is reflected to those around you.

I’m just about as imperfect as they come. I lie, I cheat, I pretend. I run away from my problems, and I care too much what other’s think of me. I have hurt other people due to a lack of self-esteem, and I overreact in many situations. I guess I’m just like you, in a way. Our mistakes make us beautiful. Maybe, one day, I’ll find that beauty within myself. Until then, I’ll wait. Maybe, one day, someone will see past my flaws, and love me for who I am. Until then, I’ll wait. These lives weren’t meant to be lived alone, waiting for a better tomorrow. The beauty has taught us to take a stand and rise above. Do me a favor and always remember: you ARE beautiful. Embrace it.

“Maybe you think your mom and dad love you but if you do the wrong things, they’ll try and turn you into dirt, just like mine tried to turn me to dirt. It’s your punishment for being you. Don’t play their game. Nothing can touch you; you stay beautiful.” – Smack by Melvin Burgess

“And to the rest of the world, God gave you shoes to fit you.  So put ’em on and wear ’em. Be yourself man, be proud of who you are. Even if it sounds corny: don’t ever let anyone tell you you ain’t beautiful.” – Beautiful  by Eminem

“And when you find everything you looked for, I hope your life leads you back to my door. Oh, but if it don’t, stay beautiful. If you and I are a story, that never gets told…  If what you are is a daydream, I’ll never get to hold, at least you’ll know: you’re beautiful, every little piece, love don’t you know, you’re really gonna be someone. Ask anyone.” –Stay Beautiful by Taylor Swift.

The words are out there.

What does “beautiful” mean to you?

A Trail of Tears

My life has plummeted; it took a big drop.

I’ve got to keep running; I won’t let my feet stop.

I keep reminding myself: keep your head up high.

Whatever you do, never let him see you cry.

I was the only one able to see past his tough skin.

I was the first one he ever let in.

He has become a part of me.

He showed me how dark this world can be.

The rain pours down, washing my soul.

The pain has taken over, I’m losing control.

My nights are lonely, covered in red.

I wake up several times, with blood covering my head.

How would my life be different if he wasn’t here?

Would I still be mute, stricken with fear?

I really need an escape; to dream out loud.

But he sent me spiraling down, alone with that heavy cloud.

When I hit rock bottom, there was no one around.

I guess I’m still lost, just waiting to be found.

My cries for help have vanished with my real smile.

No one in my life has sat down and stayed for awhile.

It’s like I really don’t matter, I really am dead.

If my life was taken away, not a tear would be shed.

Where is my savior, the one with the helping hand?

My feet are suspended in the air; I need some sturdy land.

Nothing is safe for me anymore, nothing is all right.

I’m left with my problems and an unforgettable night.

The pills are in my hand, so is the blade.

My vision is blurring, it’s starting to fade.

I say goodbye, this time it’s real.

Here’s for you, I wonder how it’ll make you feel.

Cancer

Fighting,

Fighting,

Gone.

Another one bites the dust,

In despair.

And alone.

The tears are endless,

The late nights as well.

No more pretending:

Reality is here.

Lost and hopeless,

The end is near.

Fighting,

Fighting,

Gone.

I look to the sky,

Afraid of losing all memories of you.

You battled hard,

You were a true warrior.

This disease took another one.

This disease  is taking over.

Fighting,

Fighting,

Gone.

Over and Done

I’m lost in the sea of misconception.

The corners I take are dark; lonely.

Time has forgotten me, letting the lies take over.

I am not a breath of hope, nor a call for freedom.

But a fighter in the deep silence.

The definition of memories.

Clear Lake

I sat calmly on the creaking docks, letting my feet dangle wistfully over the edge. The dark mysteries beneath the water’s glossy surface would forever hold the thoughts and the dreams of my childhood, and the way things used to be. I drowned out the blasting boat music, pulsing through the brisk air. I pictured the twinkle in my grandfather’s eye, as he used to cast his fishing rod all of those years ago. His tanned arms were poised on the wooden rail; his bright smile radiating light toward those around him. He was like an angel to me; his words were kind, and he always graced me with the most important gift of all: love.

As I inhaled the light, salty breeze, I could practically taste the days of yesteryear when life was less complicated. My emotions drifted away, searching hopelessly through the past. I stood up swiftly, feeling the ribbed docks beneath my feet. I shed my towel and stood with my feet hanging over the edge, awaiting departure.

Without vacillation, I leaped off of the solid ground, plummeting far beneath the broken algae floating on the water’s edge. The soft waves inundated my body, sending my hair hanging messily around me. I drifted around, suspended calmly in the grasp of the boat wakes, coming up only to take gasps of air. The water will forever be a second home to me, never failing to bring back prized memories. Caught in the heat of the moment, I had to choke back the tears that reminded how one day, this would be a simple memory like all of the others.

My Own Corner of the World

He tells me that I can’t drink away all of my problems.

Watch me.

He thinks he’s the only one keeping me afloat.

But really, he’s the one person whose grasp around my neck tightens with ever attempt at laughter.

Some people, they just don’t understand.

They’ve never experienced that immediate twinge of belonging you get when your lips brush against the piercing cold beer bottle.

They’ve never felt that sudden rush you get when the razor slits open your skin, and all of your dark secrets trickle out.

And most importantly, they’ve never blocked themselves away from the rest of the world.

Because sometimes, choking on your tears becomes too much to handle.